A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

A man carried his dog into the veterinarian's office. The dog was limp and near death. The vet checked the dog over, and then the dog gave a sigh and stopped breathing. "I'm sorry, sir, but your dog is dead," said the vet.

"I want a second opinion!" cried the man, deeply upset at the loss of his pet.

So the vet went into the back room and brought out a cat, and sat the cat on the examination table. The cat walked up and down the table sniffing the dog, then looked up at the veterinarian and meowed.

"The cat agrees that your dog is dead," announced the vet. Still not satisfied, the man demanded another opinion. So the vet went out, and then came back with a black Labrador retriever.

He set the dog on the table and he walked up and down the examination table sniffing the dead dog, then looked at the vet and barked. "The Lab agrees that your dog is dead," said the vet.

Finally the man agreed there was nothing to be done. He asked the vet how much he owed him. "$650," said the vet.

"WHAT? $650? Why so much?" asked the man.

The vet replied, "My diagnosis was just $50. The other $600 was for the cat scan and the lab test."

A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was pondering this, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg.

The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May, and he dragged my kids to safety!"

"Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked.

"No," replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!"

"So that's how he lost his leg," the man asked.

"Oh, no. And just a week ago, my wife's car slid off the road onto the train tracks. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a freight train came through!"

"So THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said.

"No, sir."

"Then HOW did he lose it?" the man begged.

"Well sir," the farmer replied, "when you got a pig that terrific, you don't want to eat it all at once."

The dog is not allowed in the house.

Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

The dog can get on the old furniture only.

Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.

He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found.

Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits.

He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.

The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame."

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 15 cats."

    1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually
       you'll get what you want.
    2. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when
       to use it.
    3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how
       you feel by piddling on their shoes.
    4. Don't go out without ID.
    5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
    6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold
       nose in the crotch is effective.
    7. When you do something wrong, always take
       responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out
       from under the bed).
    8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss

Two buddies were hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mineshaft. Curious about its depth, they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing.

They went and found a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mineshaft in front of them!

The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat; mine was tied to a railroad tie."

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great--he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, though. I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what the problem was, noticed one of the cows looking at him.

"I believe it's your radiator," said the cow.

The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms frantically back toward the field.

The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.

"Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars."

One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.

At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo, as well as the animal handlers, were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.

The zoo keepers asked the ape with a special sign language what he was doing.

The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Seymour, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Seymour again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Seymour once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Heathcliffe asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"

Seymour replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

      1. If I like it, it's mine.
      2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
      3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
      4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
      5. If it's mine, it must never appear to
         be yours in anyway.
      6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces
         are mine.
      7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
      8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
      9. If you are playing with something and you
         put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
     10. If it's broken, it's yours.

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue parrot. But the only words the parrot knows how to say are: "Who is it?"

She takes the parrot home, but soon realizes that the bird's color clashes with the living room. So she calls an Interior designer, who says he will come by shortly.

When the Decorator comes, the woman is out shopping. He knocks on the door, and the parrot says, "Who is it?"

The man says, "It's the decorator."

The parrot says, "Who is it?"

The man says, "It’s the decorator."

The parrot says, "Who is it?" The man says, "It's the decorator!!!"

The parrot says, "Who is it?"

The man screams, "The decorator!"

The decorator gets so mad, that he pops a blood vessel, and dies on the spot. The lady comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch. She says, "Oh my gosh...who is it?"

The parrot replies, "It's the decorator!"

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "Follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"