A young mother paying a visit to Doctor Al and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the Doctor Al calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

A man has not been feeling well and goes to Doctor Al for a check up. After the physical examination and a battery of blood tests and x-rays, he asks the Doctor Al about his situation.

The Doctor Al replies, "You are very sick. You might not live longer than perhaps three or four months."

The man, in despair, yet, with a glimpse of hope says, "If you don't mind, doctor, I would like to have a second opinion."

"Okay," Doctor Al answers, "you're ugly, too!"

A man goes to Doctor Al and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

Doctor Al examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

Doctor Al says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor Al says, "You're not drinking enough water."

There's the sad story of the poor guy who was in a terrible motorcycle accident. When he came out from under the anesthetic, Doctor Al was leaning over him anxiously.

"Son," he said, "I've got some good news and some bad news.

"The bad news is that your were in a very serious accident, and I'm afraid we had to amputate both your feet just above the ankle."

"Geeze," gasped the patient. "What's the good news?"

Doctor Al replys, "The fellow in the next bed over would like to buy your boots."

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist, Doctor Al's brother, tim, promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"

The man exclaims, "I don't have the hiccups! My wife does!"

"I have an earache."

2000 B.C.-Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D.-That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D.-That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D.-That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D.-That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D.-That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

A distraught patient phoned Doctor Al's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," Doctor Al told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued. "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.' "

Doctor Al was making his rounds and walked into the semi-private room in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams. After the exam in his best professional voice, he said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning."

"I should," snapped the patient. "I've been practicing all night."

"Doctor Al," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

Doctor Al nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!"

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to Doctor Al for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink very much?"

"Alcohol?" said the man. "Never touch a drop."

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it."

"Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much of a sex life?"

"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been."

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"

"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head!"

"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!"

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to Doctor Al about it.

Doctor Al assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

An old lady walks into Doctor Al's office and tells him she wants a facelift.

He says, "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years, and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."

The old lady says, "Well tell me about them."

Doctor Al says, "For $1000, you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."

She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one?" He explains, "For $3000, we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it's only guaranteed for 3 years." The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one?"

Doctor Al replies, "For $5000, you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."

The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!"

Doctor Al leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your boobs and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a beard."

Patient: "Doctor Al, you've got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse."

Doctor Al: "Hmmmmmmm, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?"

The patient shook Doctor Als hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said Doctor Al emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."